For new readers, you can read the first part at:
http://chasmiss.blogspot.com/2010/10/sprite-and-dumas.html
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=435343221231
I needed a sip, a sip of sprite. Life without it became indispensable. A sip and all the worries and tensions went away in a flash, just like life flies out from the victims when Voldemort uses AVADA KEDAVRA.
Those times were definitely not good. I was bedridden, babuji died 2 months ago, siddhu mama was not keeping good in London. My whole life was in jeopardy. The Chennai winters (do they really exist?) were harsh for me and it appeared that I won’t be able to make it to another spring.
I used to be a fearless young man, a fact you must have acknowledged by now! The way in which I proposed to Jahanvi! I didn’t even add lord before Voldemort and I didn’t even call him – “You know who” ! Loser Souls!! But things changed. Every drop of sprite brought me closer to death, but that very drop was life for me! I could see the vibrancy of colours, the very shades of fluorescent colours incited me. Red filled fear in me, yellow made things look infinite. The checks in lungis made me think of the mathematical patterns, although I did poorly in maths. Math was a binary affair for me because all my math papers carried 0 marks and some times if teacher was gracious he awarded 1 mark. That ch88491 Sourav also only understood binary, he always got 100! I could hear the rhythm in all loud cranky south Indian songs. It seemed Lucy in the Sky with diamonds being played in my head all the time. I was filled with acidic thoughts My life was on the edge of extinction. I wondered whether this is the call from heaven!
Talking of death, I was sure I would go to heaven!! My friend Maneesh said that there are 2 ways to live this life. He called it the “ANGELS” in heaven concept. Choice 1: commit all the sin in this life itself. AT the final stage, you will either go to hell or heaven, and there are no intermediate state. Play it bad very, very bad but play safe..Choice 2: Don’t commit any sin, be good and fair to all. At the end of this life, thousands of angels would be waiting for you in heaven and enjoy the luxuries afterlife. I always found it discriminatory against female (angels in heaven). Even the caretaker of heaven is a chauvinist. Then I realized he was not; that’s the reason I will go to heaven! But I was wondering whether I would be able to distribute my time between females from this world and angels there. Maybe if sometime I would get bored with angels, then I would have spared my free time with earthy souls.
Well, he chose the first way and I chose the second way. That’s the mistake we gujju’s don’t make. We always think in terms of long time investment. And it was not a forceful choice! I am a young rich smart intelligent gujju and I would get 100+ proposals each day for my profile in shaadi.com!! Star Plus was going to approach me with 3rd season of swamyar series – “ Saharsh ka Syamwar”, but before that I found Jahanvi!
It was not the first time that I fell in love. I did that on previous 53 times! But it was the first time I fell in true love. I always thought I will find love on 1st attempt! Even dada was thrown out of Indian squad after his first series, so how can I manage success on my first attempt! I can’t even dare to think beyond dada! Then I thought may be 7th attempt would be lucky for me, but it wasn’t.13th, the unlucky would prove lucky for me because I was so different from others, I thought but was proved wrong again. I benchmarked several other numbers; and finally fixed at nana’s 56. “jaise ek machar aadmi ko hinjada bana deta hai waise hi ek ladki aadmi ko kutta bana deti hai”. If not 56, then never! After that I would have married any girl chosen by Babuji. I did a study and realized that what I was really missing was early mover advantage.Love at first sight! That was the solution!
But that day was different, it was the first time someone accepted my proposal. I was standing behind her and sipping sprite.54th time and nervous because it was the first time my early mover tactic was in place! People say nothing is professional, every thing is damn personal. Well I say that nothing is personal, everything is damn business!! Love is also a business after all. Someone's gain is loss for another. There are missed opportunities. There are new potentials. To succeed in the market, you need to develop and improvise every moment. Just as Indian consumer market shows different sentiments in contrary to western markets, so do Indian Love. With dwindling male to female ratio, the demand for female has exceeded supply. And just think about the demand of a good looking girl! A male here has become product. He has to package and advertise himself to attract the females. The richer a man, higher the chance of his success of getting picked up! More money for little value! And sometimes I laugh at us, we call the fairer sex “maal”(product), but in reality we have ourselves become a maal(product), waiting to be picked up!
She was typing something on her phone, but I didn’t receive any thing! But she was continuously typing back! I was a fool, I thought. I should have realized early, all the time she was texting on her phone! After 5 minutes of restlessness, I realized my chances were as low as a bowler hitting a double-century in a test match. But Gillespie did it, so why not me. When I was about to get down, the text flashed!
Jahanvi: dnt u think its rlly early, we jus met!
(I replied back) me: I alwys believed in love at 1st sight, mybe i m wrng!
Jahanvi: mybe not..but I think its 2 early.
The last text was definitely a success. The keyword was ‘maybe not’
Me: was your parent’s a love marriage?
She: no! it was arranged!
Me: r yr parents happy?
She: may be. I don’t know. They died 2 years ago.
(Oops! A blunder again!!)
Me: sorry!! mybe you can take time and decide. I will be waiting for you forever! Yours, Saharsh.
She: no need 2 say soooorry. It wasn’t your mistake! but they were a very happy couple!
She: I m nt very sure abt love. last time the guy who proposed me turned out 2 be a con. And im definitely not sure about luv at 1st sight.
Me: arng marriages r nothing but manifestations of love at 1st sight. U see yr partner and hv to tell at that very moment whether it’s a yes or a no!
She: I don’t believe this world! Its not so good as it appears to be! Everyone is waiting to poach another!
(yeah she was right, if not her then some one else)
Me: you always believed the world. Give a chance and believe me! Hamein bhi khidmat ka mauka do rani!
She: rani! That sounded like a b-grade hindi movie dialogue! Yuck!
Me: but for me you are a queen! I always thought I will meet angel in heaven, never thought I will find one here itself!
She: I am a queen, but could be of another king!
(This text thing was not leading my case anywhere. And the last stop of bus was coming near.)
Me: look behind, maybe your king could be waiting for you!
She: looks like u have read a lot of amar chitra katha! Fairy tales and the good world!
Amar chitra katha, sounded familiar! Brand new Iphone 32gb comes to rescue again. I googled and found it was some comic series! Reading and me, what a joke!
(I replied back)Me: I don’t know whether I live in a fairy world or not, but I know that angels still exist. I know that my queen is near me. Maybe your king is also near you!
She turned her head around. My heart started beating so fast that I felt my veins will burst out! My whole body froze! And the next moment I realized she was in my arms!!
Mission Accomplished!!
I was the happiest man on earth, but would have never thought that things would change so fast!
But within few months, I was bedridden needed only sprite. I was free falling but not in love, but in the valley of death! KJo is not a paranoid after all, life can indeed change in an instant, life is all K3G.
PS:
* Part3 to be released soon
* Dumas – the question is still left unanswered!
* Thanks for the time and patience you have spent to read this piece of bakar/bhasad!
* All characters and events appearing in this work could be fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is not even remotely coincidental.
* Your valuable feedback/comment/review is most welcome.
Rohit Gattani
www.chasmiss.blogspot.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some excerpts from part3 :
But things changed with this winter setting in. On 1st of December, I married Jahanvi. World Aids Day! I always made a point to wear red coloured badge on that day. But on one such day last year, Maneesh asked me what is the use of wearing that badge for me? To him it seemed that number 11 batsman Nehra fully padded, wearing a helmet and seating in pavilion, when India has not lost a single wicket.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1
Date- 13 September, 2010
Hi, I am Saharsh Padiya or in short AssPee. I know it is a gross combination but it is my name after all. You ‘sun of a beach’! By Jalaram Bappa’s grace I had everything – “paisa, shaurat aur izzat (money, fame and respect)”. Did you notice something amiss in the last statement. Yes, it was love and to find lady luck I wore a talisman with a SRK photo carved on it and devoutly apply ‘fair and handsome’ twice daily. But it seems not all was working for me.
It’s not everyday that one gets a seat in a bus. It’s not everyday when a HOPA (google needed for not-so-smart-a**h*****) sits beside you in a bus. It’s not everyday that your 45 min journey lasts for 3 hours. It’s not everyday you travel ticket-less in a bus. It’s not everyday that a surprise check for tickets is done. It’s not everyday you find your love in a bus. And it definitely was not every other day.
Tired and not drunk, I boarded a Volvo from Ambattur to OMR. The city if you still haven’t identified is none other than the city of my dreams -Chennai. People here are much more fashionable and open-minded. Where else on earth can you find every available colour on a single piece of cloth; shining and glittering costumes; and lungi – the epitome of fashion and openness. The music is much louder and gross(c****** c****** nokia) and full of ‘tamil teriyaad (I Don’t know Tamil)’ terms, which makes it even more attractive. It’s very difficult to differentiate between a girl and a boy because both of them have moustaches. So you don’t lose your focus unlike in other metros. And the food, yummy and delicious, the mighty and invincilble, idly, vada, dosa, sambhar, rasam, othappam,etc has no comparison. If in reality the concept of 7 life and 7 marriages existed, then I would had married south Indian food beacuse I am certain I could spend my 7 lives eating only south Indian food. I Love Chennai! I Love Gujarat, too.
Well, it doesn’t matter whether you live in Jhumri-Taliya or Trichy, if you have found the meaning of your life. Well, did someone just said the meaning of life is love.(*sigh*) My friend Maneesh always told me ‘love is contagious because it can happen at first sight’. Forgot to mention, by ‘drunk’ I meant Sprite and nothing else (Your dirty mind and its games).
The bus stopped at the next stop. I was looking at the front entry gate, and for a moment everything freezed. I could hear pianos and guitar playing out from my heart. After a very long time I had the opportunity of losing my focus in Chennai. A fair girl in red salwar suit and without mosutache boarded the bus from the stop. ‘Cherry Blossom’ was not a paradox for me anymore. A fair lady and without moustaches - a rare occurrence in Chennai. It was as rare as finding a non-asian male on a chatting site in internet. I wanted to talk with her, very very very badly. This was turning out to be lucky day for me. First of all, I got a seat in bus – a rare feat to achieve by itself. And the seat beside me was empty....
And it was indeed turning out to be a lucky day. The fairy came in and sat beside me. Was it my day?? I took the first sip of my sprite and could properly diagonize the fairy beside me, better than any X-ray vision because ‘sprite hai, clear hai’. My dirty minds and its games !!
The first shock – her phone rang and she started talking in chaste Tamil. My baba wouldn’t accept anything but a vaishanav gujju. I could convince him for anyone from north but for a large price (read dowry), but south Indian was totally unacceptable. I remember how Seemaben’s son was thrown out of the family, property and the society after he married a kerali. I lost all hope. My friend Maneesh always told me – never run after girls and buses, one goes and another comes. And he could be true. If I would have missed this bus, I would have catched another bus and have sat beside another HOPA.
I plugged in my i-pod(32 gb) gifted to me by Siddhu mama ,and occasionally peeped at her in regular intervals. After all, you don’t always get the opportunity to sit beside HOPA. Then another ring, and the lady spoke in chaste Hindi. This implies I can atleast make a try. Opportunity not always knocks at your door. My friend Maneesh also told me that if opportunity knocks at your door, then don’t be late to open the door because it could be delivered to another address if you don’t answer. The ‘postman’ fate is not very patient. It’s now or never.
I plugged off the i-pod and was wondering where to start. She pulled off a book from her bag. I could only read The Three *some* by some Dumas. Interesting, open-minded, fun-loving lady, I thought. My dirty mind and its game! I gathered some courage and no sooner was going to say ‘hi’, another ring from her phone broke my courage. But it provided me precious time to do field work. Here came my Blackberry bold and ‘the god’ google’s homepage. I entered the “three dumas” and clicked “I’m feeling lucky” because I was really feeling lucky at that time. The Wiki page of the “the Three Muskeeters” popped up. Wiki told me it was some classic of English Literature. I sipped Sprite and another idea from my friend Maneesh popped up – To impress, start liking what she likes. I straight away went to Indiatimes shopping and searched for it. Shit!! They didn’t accept my Credit Suisse card!! WTF!! I was forced to use silly Indian HDFC!! I never read any book in my lifetime other than my text books in school. You don’t need education to be rich. Ambani was not some MBA but a Gujrati. Those days I only read Economic Times and that also in Gujrati. I was wondering why ET published their Gujarati edition so late. We Gujaratis are no.1 traders, a fact accepted universally.
Meanwhile I was lost and there was so much commotion in the bus, that I was hardly able to hear anything. But some Gujarati voice was coming, a sweet Gujarati voice which I could hear! And see Jalaram Bappa’s grace, it was that lady only. I’m really feeling lucky today!
The most easiest way for a Gujarati to connect with a fellow Gujarati is Gujarati itself. Nothing pleases Gujratis more than a Gujrati itself. And I made the move and started speaking in Gujrati–
Me: Which part of Gujarat?
She: Kathiwad
Me: Kathiawad. Which village? I am from Khambat but have many relatives from Kathiawad.
She: Palonji.
Me: What are you doing here?
She: The same what you are doing here. Traveling.
Quick witted lady, I thought. But was dumb-folded and had nothing to answer. Already 15 minutes went away and I had another 30 minutes. Not a problem, if fate have decided, then we would meet again.
It was 5 minutes and not a single word was spoken between two of us and neither the bus moved. My chance of a strike was dying faster than KKR winning a match in IPL. Maybe, I could ask her number. Oh, I even don’t know her name! Shit!
Meanwhile, I was running searches on google – Gujrati girls in Chennai, Chennai Gujarati, Hot gujju girl in chennai. I heard a man from behind telling that there was chakka-jam by some party over the issue that new rupee symbol has been designed keeping in mind the hindi ‘R’. And they feel discriminated and it shouldn’t be based on devanagari script. They were burning rupee notes also. IDIOTS !!! Burning money!! But I agree with them over the issue that Rupee new symbol shouldn’t be based on Hindi ‘R’. Gujaratis are the one who know how to mint money. Even in the ‘dry’ state we made milk flow like water. We have hotels in every part of USA and Europe. We run BSE, FOREX, RESERVES. In short, we run India. So why not base it on Gujarati ‘R’; It would be the most humble appreciation which this country can offer to fellow Gujratis.
But the point was that the bus was delayed. I still stood a chance. The drunk anna, really drunk and was smelling of desi, standing beside her started looking her in an amorous way. A sip of sprite and another brilliant idea came to my mind. Why not we exchange our seats!! Me: are you comfortable in that seat? She: hmm..yes...(after a pause)..no.. Me: let us exchange the seats. That bastard is looking at you continuously. Me: this never happens in our Gujarat She: yes!! these drunk people na. Can’t even control themselves. Me: Yes. That’s why I do not touch liqour. She: You seem to be a gentleman. *happy, happy, happy* And we changed the seats and first time touched each other. And a chill ran through my spine.
Meanwhile, I was thinking where to start. Should I start with the colour colour game which I used to play with girls in college. She was wearing a red dress. Red - the colour of love!! This surely was my day !! My day !! My day!! My Day!! But I didn’t start with colour colour game as it had 0 success rate !!
Another ring!! Another doubt in my mind. Is she already committed ? This whole time I observed her texting and laughing!! Was I doomed?
People always curse tele-marketing calls. But I don’t as it is really a good time-pass. I made many friends through it as they were desperate to sell and me desperate to talk. And the good thing, you don’t have to shell out a single penny for talking. It’s better than moronic friend finders, which I tried. Even she was bit irritated with that tele-marketing call. That tele-marketing call was from some insurance company and all that i could hear was – “I am Jahanvi Patel and not Jahanvi Pathak. Please don’t disturb me again with any insurance” and the call ended.
So her name was Jahanvi Patel !! Facebook search and I found her. Not only her but spooked a lot of information about her - what she liked, disliked, books read by her, movies liked by her, her phone number, email id, bb pin, her latest status. Thats why Zuckerberg said people are fool to trust on me. But I extended my token of thanks to Zuckerberg for making this lovely piece. I can search my love through him. Zuckerberg the cupid !
But I noticed one more thing. One mutual friend...and the name read Sourav Prasad.
SOURAV PRASAD......that ch88491(t9 reference needed for not-so-smart-ch84491s) from my school. I hated him from the very first day I met him. I could vividly remember that day, the shame and pain which that incident caused me were still etched in my mind. It was standard 4, and I was feeling a bit sleepy and taking use of that , ch88491 threw water on my pants and shouted to everyone that I did ‘susu’(pee) in my pants. That was the most embarassing day I ever had in my life. The whole class was laughing and the teachers too. I had to return home with wet pants. My photo was stuck in Notice Board of School with wet paints. I hated him more than I loved anyone. I never forgot that, REVENGE was still on cards.
This guy excelled in everything- handsome looks, sporty nature and excellent in studies. He became the SP( stud paa) and I became AssPee (after the pee incident). I was always jealous of him. But at that time I was not. That ch88491 took sciecne in +2 and heard that he went to some NIIT in Trichy. I heard it was a very good college and one of the top colleges. A joke, I thought. There were already so many NIIT in Chennai then why did he chose to go there. I can even see one out of my window. I always knew he was a ch88491. Heard he was working in some software firm. Poor Bastard, I could arrange a job for him if he loses one, I thought. Haha..revenge!! I even blocked that ch88491 from my FB so that his updates and pics doesn’t remind me of him.
So her favouite movie is Kaho na pyar hai, Maine pyar kiya, Hum aapke hai kaun. And i tried telepathy to communicate with her ,”Arey kahan na pyaar hai :) :). Haan, Maine bhi tumse pyar kiya:) hum tumhare ‘ jee’ hai..suniye jee..yeh kariye jee..app sunte nahi jee...:) She gave a chuck looking at me. This telepathy thing really works !!!!
Meanwhile, I was going through her FB profile and noticed she joined a community called ” I Love SALMAN KHAN”. And what good time to love Sallu Bhai. Maybe this common love can also sow the seeds of mutual love between two of us. There this was a poster of Dabangg on a hall and I said, “This is going to be a hell of a movie.” She said yes and told me she already watched and told me the story. What a spoiler! I wanted to watch ‘munni’ but nothing comes above and before love. Maybe on our first date we will watch Dabangg. And we started talking about Bollywood. She turned out to be a bollywood buff just like me. We make a perfect match, I thought. I told him some insider’s stuff which I got from Siddhu mama. She was impressed. Task 1 completed - the girl is impressed.
And I realized it had been an hour in the bus and the bus didn’t move an inch since half an hour. We were talking like we knew each other from ages. This 7 Life and marriage concept really existed, I thought. And was is not South Indian food that could be my companion but Jahanvi Padiya (Patel) for this life and forever. I was so blessed.
One and a half hours in the bus with her now. Half of the bus was empty now. Bus was stranded at the same position. And I hoped that it remained there forever!! I got to knew that she also did her engineering from NITT, and not NIIT. NITT mind you is a very respected institute in India, one of the finest engineering colleges. And I also got to knew that ch88491 was also in that college. He didn’t change even after going to college also and same as before excelled in everything he did whether it was sports, Studies or Job. He landed in some highest paying job in some ‘cracle’ or some firm. But he was still an employee and I was at the stage of employer and would have soon reached a stage where I would have employed people like him. Sala Ch88491.
Meanwhile I forgot to get tickets. And this ticket- inspector came he started shouting after realizing that I was without a ticket. He blabbered, ”You North Indians. You yourselves are so much uncultured and you are trying to spoil us also. Look what have you made of Common Wealth Games. When will you people start behaving like gentlemen. Bloody!! Oh, this was usual in Chennai. This meant he would take 2 green gandhi instead of 1. These government people after all, irrespective of South or North, are the most saleable items you can ever see. I was going to take out my wallet, when Jahanvi spoke very sweetly in tamil , “ sir he is my friend and have just come now. I too haven’t taken ticket and was going to take one. “
The magic these fair ladies have on males and he left saying nothing. I was wondering how fairy-tale like my world will become after marrying such a fair lady.
Well, we started jelling together. Most of her likes became my likes also and her dislikes my dislikes. We made a good couple, I thought. We talked about Gujarat, our life, my busniess, her job, siddhu mama, her interests, my interests, etc etc etc. We promised to add each other in FB. Meanwhile an old lady came and stood beside me. It was about time for me to deboard the bus. I offered my seat to her. Jahanvi gave me a certain look and it looked that she wanted to tell something to me before I would have left the bus. It was like she was trying to tell me that she loved me too. Anyways I will definitely added her on FB.
GPRS stuff reallly works cool! I added her on FB and she instantaneously accepted the friend request. Maybe our relation would continue after that….coffees,dates, proposal and then marriage in Gujarat. It was so simple. The 4 steps of success...
It was the end of the journey. 3 hours passed in a wink. I bid adieu to Jahanvi and deboarded the bus. Something told me to stop. Someting told me to tell her that I love her. I went to FB mobile, found her no and text her, “ In a study by WHO it was concluded that by the end of 2010, 60 % of the world's heart patients would be in India and it will hit more young people. So don’t reject me as it and increase the count....It would be a disservice to the nation :P PS - i <3 u ..yours and yours only, saharsh padiya.. And after texting, I looked at the bus. It was still standing at the red light. I thanked chennai traffic for that.. I remembered Manish’s saying,” never run behind a girl and a bus.” F*** him and his thoughts, I thought. And the next moment, I was running behind that bus and that girl. I will give him that dumas book though which I ordered ! I am a gujju and to had do it now or it would be never. We don’t wait for oppurtunities, we create it.
I boarded the bus and she didn’t notice me as I boarded from behind and stood at back waiting for her reply. Could it be the day, I thought and sipped Sprite.
End of part 1 ...
Coming Soon.... Part 2
PS -
1. all the crap written here are figments of my imagination !!
2. there won't be any sex here or in any further parts...i know sex sells, as suggested by some..but it doesn't sells for free!!
3. to SP - all 3!!
Rohit Gattani
Date- 13 September, 2010
Hi, I am Saharsh Padiya or in short AssPee. I know it is a gross combination but it is my name after all. You ‘sun of a beach’! By Jalaram Bappa’s grace I had everything – “paisa, shaurat aur izzat (money, fame and respect)”. Did you notice something amiss in the last statement. Yes, it was love and to find lady luck I wore a talisman with a SRK photo carved on it and devoutly apply ‘fair and handsome’ twice daily. But it seems not all was working for me.
It’s not everyday that one gets a seat in a bus. It’s not everyday when a HOPA (google needed for not-so-smart-a**h*****) sits beside you in a bus. It’s not everyday that your 45 min journey lasts for 3 hours. It’s not everyday you travel ticket-less in a bus. It’s not everyday that a surprise check for tickets is done. It’s not everyday you find your love in a bus. And it definitely was not every other day.
Tired and not drunk, I boarded a Volvo from Ambattur to OMR. The city if you still haven’t identified is none other than the city of my dreams -Chennai. People here are much more fashionable and open-minded. Where else on earth can you find every available colour on a single piece of cloth; shining and glittering costumes; and lungi – the epitome of fashion and openness. The music is much louder and gross(c****** c****** nokia) and full of ‘tamil teriyaad (I Don’t know Tamil)’ terms, which makes it even more attractive. It’s very difficult to differentiate between a girl and a boy because both of them have moustaches. So you don’t lose your focus unlike in other metros. And the food, yummy and delicious, the mighty and invincilble, idly, vada, dosa, sambhar, rasam, othappam,etc has no comparison. If in reality the concept of 7 life and 7 marriages existed, then I would had married south Indian food beacuse I am certain I could spend my 7 lives eating only south Indian food. I Love Chennai! I Love Gujarat, too.
Well, it doesn’t matter whether you live in Jhumri-Taliya or Trichy, if you have found the meaning of your life. Well, did someone just said the meaning of life is love.(*sigh*) My friend Maneesh always told me ‘love is contagious because it can happen at first sight’. Forgot to mention, by ‘drunk’ I meant Sprite and nothing else (Your dirty mind and its games).
The bus stopped at the next stop. I was looking at the front entry gate, and for a moment everything freezed. I could hear pianos and guitar playing out from my heart. After a very long time I had the opportunity of losing my focus in Chennai. A fair girl in red salwar suit and without mosutache boarded the bus from the stop. ‘Cherry Blossom’ was not a paradox for me anymore. A fair lady and without moustaches - a rare occurrence in Chennai. It was as rare as finding a non-asian male on a chatting site in internet. I wanted to talk with her, very very very badly. This was turning out to be lucky day for me. First of all, I got a seat in bus – a rare feat to achieve by itself. And the seat beside me was empty....
And it was indeed turning out to be a lucky day. The fairy came in and sat beside me. Was it my day?? I took the first sip of my sprite and could properly diagonize the fairy beside me, better than any X-ray vision because ‘sprite hai, clear hai’. My dirty minds and its games !!
The first shock – her phone rang and she started talking in chaste Tamil. My baba wouldn’t accept anything but a vaishanav gujju. I could convince him for anyone from north but for a large price (read dowry), but south Indian was totally unacceptable. I remember how Seemaben’s son was thrown out of the family, property and the society after he married a kerali. I lost all hope. My friend Maneesh always told me – never run after girls and buses, one goes and another comes. And he could be true. If I would have missed this bus, I would have catched another bus and have sat beside another HOPA.
I plugged in my i-pod(32 gb) gifted to me by Siddhu mama ,and occasionally peeped at her in regular intervals. After all, you don’t always get the opportunity to sit beside HOPA. Then another ring, and the lady spoke in chaste Hindi. This implies I can atleast make a try. Opportunity not always knocks at your door. My friend Maneesh also told me that if opportunity knocks at your door, then don’t be late to open the door because it could be delivered to another address if you don’t answer. The ‘postman’ fate is not very patient. It’s now or never.
I plugged off the i-pod and was wondering where to start. She pulled off a book from her bag. I could only read The Three *some* by some Dumas. Interesting, open-minded, fun-loving lady, I thought. My dirty mind and its game! I gathered some courage and no sooner was going to say ‘hi’, another ring from her phone broke my courage. But it provided me precious time to do field work. Here came my Blackberry bold and ‘the god’ google’s homepage. I entered the “three dumas” and clicked “I’m feeling lucky” because I was really feeling lucky at that time. The Wiki page of the “the Three Muskeeters” popped up. Wiki told me it was some classic of English Literature. I sipped Sprite and another idea from my friend Maneesh popped up – To impress, start liking what she likes. I straight away went to Indiatimes shopping and searched for it. Shit!! They didn’t accept my Credit Suisse card!! WTF!! I was forced to use silly Indian HDFC!! I never read any book in my lifetime other than my text books in school. You don’t need education to be rich. Ambani was not some MBA but a Gujrati. Those days I only read Economic Times and that also in Gujrati. I was wondering why ET published their Gujarati edition so late. We Gujaratis are no.1 traders, a fact accepted universally.
Meanwhile I was lost and there was so much commotion in the bus, that I was hardly able to hear anything. But some Gujarati voice was coming, a sweet Gujarati voice which I could hear! And see Jalaram Bappa’s grace, it was that lady only. I’m really feeling lucky today!
The most easiest way for a Gujarati to connect with a fellow Gujarati is Gujarati itself. Nothing pleases Gujratis more than a Gujrati itself. And I made the move and started speaking in Gujrati–
Me: Which part of Gujarat?
She: Kathiwad
Me: Kathiawad. Which village? I am from Khambat but have many relatives from Kathiawad.
She: Palonji.
Me: What are you doing here?
She: The same what you are doing here. Traveling.
Quick witted lady, I thought. But was dumb-folded and had nothing to answer. Already 15 minutes went away and I had another 30 minutes. Not a problem, if fate have decided, then we would meet again.
It was 5 minutes and not a single word was spoken between two of us and neither the bus moved. My chance of a strike was dying faster than KKR winning a match in IPL. Maybe, I could ask her number. Oh, I even don’t know her name! Shit!
Meanwhile, I was running searches on google – Gujrati girls in Chennai, Chennai Gujarati, Hot gujju girl in chennai. I heard a man from behind telling that there was chakka-jam by some party over the issue that new rupee symbol has been designed keeping in mind the hindi ‘R’. And they feel discriminated and it shouldn’t be based on devanagari script. They were burning rupee notes also. IDIOTS !!! Burning money!! But I agree with them over the issue that Rupee new symbol shouldn’t be based on Hindi ‘R’. Gujaratis are the one who know how to mint money. Even in the ‘dry’ state we made milk flow like water. We have hotels in every part of USA and Europe. We run BSE, FOREX, RESERVES. In short, we run India. So why not base it on Gujarati ‘R’; It would be the most humble appreciation which this country can offer to fellow Gujratis.
But the point was that the bus was delayed. I still stood a chance. The drunk anna, really drunk and was smelling of desi, standing beside her started looking her in an amorous way. A sip of sprite and another brilliant idea came to my mind. Why not we exchange our seats!! Me: are you comfortable in that seat? She: hmm..yes...(after a pause)..no.. Me: let us exchange the seats. That bastard is looking at you continuously. Me: this never happens in our Gujarat She: yes!! these drunk people na. Can’t even control themselves. Me: Yes. That’s why I do not touch liqour. She: You seem to be a gentleman. *happy, happy, happy* And we changed the seats and first time touched each other. And a chill ran through my spine.
Meanwhile, I was thinking where to start. Should I start with the colour colour game which I used to play with girls in college. She was wearing a red dress. Red - the colour of love!! This surely was my day !! My day !! My day!! My Day!! But I didn’t start with colour colour game as it had 0 success rate !!
Another ring!! Another doubt in my mind. Is she already committed ? This whole time I observed her texting and laughing!! Was I doomed?
People always curse tele-marketing calls. But I don’t as it is really a good time-pass. I made many friends through it as they were desperate to sell and me desperate to talk. And the good thing, you don’t have to shell out a single penny for talking. It’s better than moronic friend finders, which I tried. Even she was bit irritated with that tele-marketing call. That tele-marketing call was from some insurance company and all that i could hear was – “I am Jahanvi Patel and not Jahanvi Pathak. Please don’t disturb me again with any insurance” and the call ended.
So her name was Jahanvi Patel !! Facebook search and I found her. Not only her but spooked a lot of information about her - what she liked, disliked, books read by her, movies liked by her, her phone number, email id, bb pin, her latest status. Thats why Zuckerberg said people are fool to trust on me. But I extended my token of thanks to Zuckerberg for making this lovely piece. I can search my love through him. Zuckerberg the cupid !
But I noticed one more thing. One mutual friend...and the name read Sourav Prasad.
SOURAV PRASAD......that ch88491(t9 reference needed for not-so-smart-ch84491s) from my school. I hated him from the very first day I met him. I could vividly remember that day, the shame and pain which that incident caused me were still etched in my mind. It was standard 4, and I was feeling a bit sleepy and taking use of that , ch88491 threw water on my pants and shouted to everyone that I did ‘susu’(pee) in my pants. That was the most embarassing day I ever had in my life. The whole class was laughing and the teachers too. I had to return home with wet pants. My photo was stuck in Notice Board of School with wet paints. I hated him more than I loved anyone. I never forgot that, REVENGE was still on cards.
This guy excelled in everything- handsome looks, sporty nature and excellent in studies. He became the SP( stud paa) and I became AssPee (after the pee incident). I was always jealous of him. But at that time I was not. That ch88491 took sciecne in +2 and heard that he went to some NIIT in Trichy. I heard it was a very good college and one of the top colleges. A joke, I thought. There were already so many NIIT in Chennai then why did he chose to go there. I can even see one out of my window. I always knew he was a ch88491. Heard he was working in some software firm. Poor Bastard, I could arrange a job for him if he loses one, I thought. Haha..revenge!! I even blocked that ch88491 from my FB so that his updates and pics doesn’t remind me of him.
So her favouite movie is Kaho na pyar hai, Maine pyar kiya, Hum aapke hai kaun. And i tried telepathy to communicate with her ,”Arey kahan na pyaar hai :) :). Haan, Maine bhi tumse pyar kiya:) hum tumhare ‘ jee’ hai..suniye jee..yeh kariye jee..app sunte nahi jee...:) She gave a chuck looking at me. This telepathy thing really works !!!!
Meanwhile, I was going through her FB profile and noticed she joined a community called ” I Love SALMAN KHAN”. And what good time to love Sallu Bhai. Maybe this common love can also sow the seeds of mutual love between two of us. There this was a poster of Dabangg on a hall and I said, “This is going to be a hell of a movie.” She said yes and told me she already watched and told me the story. What a spoiler! I wanted to watch ‘munni’ but nothing comes above and before love. Maybe on our first date we will watch Dabangg. And we started talking about Bollywood. She turned out to be a bollywood buff just like me. We make a perfect match, I thought. I told him some insider’s stuff which I got from Siddhu mama. She was impressed. Task 1 completed - the girl is impressed.
And I realized it had been an hour in the bus and the bus didn’t move an inch since half an hour. We were talking like we knew each other from ages. This 7 Life and marriage concept really existed, I thought. And was is not South Indian food that could be my companion but Jahanvi Padiya (Patel) for this life and forever. I was so blessed.
One and a half hours in the bus with her now. Half of the bus was empty now. Bus was stranded at the same position. And I hoped that it remained there forever!! I got to knew that she also did her engineering from NITT, and not NIIT. NITT mind you is a very respected institute in India, one of the finest engineering colleges. And I also got to knew that ch88491 was also in that college. He didn’t change even after going to college also and same as before excelled in everything he did whether it was sports, Studies or Job. He landed in some highest paying job in some ‘cracle’ or some firm. But he was still an employee and I was at the stage of employer and would have soon reached a stage where I would have employed people like him. Sala Ch88491.
Meanwhile I forgot to get tickets. And this ticket- inspector came he started shouting after realizing that I was without a ticket. He blabbered, ”You North Indians. You yourselves are so much uncultured and you are trying to spoil us also. Look what have you made of Common Wealth Games. When will you people start behaving like gentlemen. Bloody!! Oh, this was usual in Chennai. This meant he would take 2 green gandhi instead of 1. These government people after all, irrespective of South or North, are the most saleable items you can ever see. I was going to take out my wallet, when Jahanvi spoke very sweetly in tamil , “ sir he is my friend and have just come now. I too haven’t taken ticket and was going to take one. “
The magic these fair ladies have on males and he left saying nothing. I was wondering how fairy-tale like my world will become after marrying such a fair lady.
Well, we started jelling together. Most of her likes became my likes also and her dislikes my dislikes. We made a good couple, I thought. We talked about Gujarat, our life, my busniess, her job, siddhu mama, her interests, my interests, etc etc etc. We promised to add each other in FB. Meanwhile an old lady came and stood beside me. It was about time for me to deboard the bus. I offered my seat to her. Jahanvi gave me a certain look and it looked that she wanted to tell something to me before I would have left the bus. It was like she was trying to tell me that she loved me too. Anyways I will definitely added her on FB.
GPRS stuff reallly works cool! I added her on FB and she instantaneously accepted the friend request. Maybe our relation would continue after that….coffees,dates, proposal and then marriage in Gujarat. It was so simple. The 4 steps of success...
It was the end of the journey. 3 hours passed in a wink. I bid adieu to Jahanvi and deboarded the bus. Something told me to stop. Someting told me to tell her that I love her. I went to FB mobile, found her no and text her, “ In a study by WHO it was concluded that by the end of 2010, 60 % of the world's heart patients would be in India and it will hit more young people. So don’t reject me as it and increase the count....It would be a disservice to the nation :P PS - i <3 u ..yours and yours only, saharsh padiya.. And after texting, I looked at the bus. It was still standing at the red light. I thanked chennai traffic for that.. I remembered Manish’s saying,” never run behind a girl and a bus.” F*** him and his thoughts, I thought. And the next moment, I was running behind that bus and that girl. I will give him that dumas book though which I ordered ! I am a gujju and to had do it now or it would be never. We don’t wait for oppurtunities, we create it.
I boarded the bus and she didn’t notice me as I boarded from behind and stood at back waiting for her reply. Could it be the day, I thought and sipped Sprite.
End of part 1 ...
Coming Soon.... Part 2
PS -
1. all the crap written here are figments of my imagination !!
2. there won't be any sex here or in any further parts...i know sex sells, as suggested by some..but it doesn't sells for free!!
3. to SP - all 3!!
Rohit Gattani
The one thing which Calcutta can export to other metros is definitely the street food, and puchka is top on the list. For a true puchka lover, they are nothing less than 'Moksha'. After all Moksha is nothing but the liberation from samsara and the concomitant suffering. While having Puchkas the only thing on your mind is "namak acha se dena, khatta theek se daalna, mirchi bhi barabar dena aur pani jyada khatta dena ". You are relieved from the sansarik moh-maaya at that moment. It's the stage of ultimate peace and enlightenment- nothing but "Moksha". Even filmstars, whenever in Calcutta, flocks to Victoria for attending the stage of Moksha. And everyone has a personalized way of attending Moksha. Once the gallop of aloo(potato) and imli kapani(tamarind's water) in a maida's(flour's) shell with masala enters mouth, nothing comes to your mind.........alas itshould be perfect or near to perfect or else its nothing less than hell !!!
And I realized it only after shifting to NCR. Before thismy puchka world was perfect. Walking on streets of Gurgaon, I discovered a puchkawala and couldn't control myself but having them. And the taste !! It was simpler than the khichdi..totally blend !! after my first failure I again took a risk and this time I analyzed that puchkawala was from east and my expectations rose ...but a disaster again!! Its water tasted like hajmola mixed with water and the effect of that lasted with continuous burps and hiccups !! I took a vow never to eat puchkas here.
But I was meant to attain Moksha and nothing could have come in the way. This time I again I saw a puchkawala and the fire of moksha could not hold me back from trying them. Fully aware of the risks involved withanother failure, I ventured ahead because I believed 'darr ke aage jeet hai'. And I was fortunate enough to strike it right on the third attempt and not like Edison who had to wait for 6000+ attempts before finding the correct filament material. And when the first puchka went in, my whole focus was on the taste, and it was almost near to perfect – khatta barabar, mirch barabar, namak barabar !! And I couldnot think of anything else !! This was it – the stage of Moksha !! I forgot where I was standing, I forgot who was with me, I forgot everything but only Puchka was there on my mind. Only and Only Puchka !! Moksha........
My Puchka World is so perfect again !!
Rohit Gattani
An avid Puchka Lover
#chasmiss- let the truth be revealed#
*The American dream*
LKM, the cricket czar, was born in a wealthy and successful business family. Much before he finished school, he was keen to go to the US for higher studies. To realise his AMERICAN DREAM, he skipped his school-leaving examination in India, making him no longer eligible for admission in any of the Indian colleges. To his credit, he performed well in SAT, or the Scholastic Aptitude Test, essential for admission to American colleges.
*cocaine saga*
In 1985, while studying at Duke University in the US, he was convicted for possession of 400 gm cocaine and charged with assault and kidnapping. The Durham County court punished him for a two-year suspended prison sentence. It has been alleged that he is also involved in a court case for cocaine abuse in the UAE as recently as 2006. Possession of such a high amount of cocaine generally leads to charges of drug-trafficking in USA, a charge with which Richard Hadlee was convicted. Richard Hadlee was then inducted in CIA for monitoring illegal drug trade. A similar type of service could have been conferred on LKM. Because even after such charges, he occupied high offices in USA based multinationals. He worked in the American tobacco company Philip Morris in 1985 and cosmetic giant Estée Lauder in 1986. He was also appointed executive director of Godfrey Philips India Ltd in 1992 — India’s second-largest cigarette-manufacturer and still holds the post.
*help from CIA*
With his highly sourced contacts in CIA he started distributing ESPN as part of a joint venture floated with Walt Disney, which then owned ESPN. Later, Modi lost the distribution rights in India when Rupert Murdoch formed ESPN STAR with Walt Disney. But in a fruitful meeting with Murdoch and CIA agents , Modi got another high-profile friend — Murdoch’s son James. Modi Entertainment Network now distributes Fashion TV in the country.
* decadence of Indian Culture*
The Americans jealous of Indian Culture, always wanted to turn us into one of their kind(and are quite successful too). India after liberalization represented a huge market to them. And for winning a war its important to make an enemy think what you want them to think. Thus started the influx of western culture, starting with FTV. IPL cheer-leaders with skimpy clothes are another example of that.
*CIA- Federal Bank Associate- (Sports, Betting, Media and Entertainment )*
Federal Bank with the help of CIA runs of the most profit earning division for generating revenue—
1. Tax haven banking in small islands. It is impossible to run such small islands to handle billions of dollar without the support of Uncle Sam. Arab HNI’s still don’t put their money in such tax heavens. Switzerland still remains a preferred destination for them.
2. Media & Entertainment – This not only for generates revenue but gets the market prepared for exploitation. Media - a powerful source can make or break any decision, even a government. It is rumoured that CIA through its secret agents have a substantial stock in twitter. Iranian Government was forced to ban Twitter due to anti-government feelings and atrocities being posted on Twitter. This mobilized world action towards Iranian Government.
3. Sports- CIA have huge stakes in various sporting organization around the world. Russian Oligarchs owning big Football clubs are just pawns, the master is CIA. No wonder, they would have been attracted towards the biggest sporting activity in the second most fastest growing economy. And IPL in its third edition was worth $4.13 billion, while EPL is evaluated at $12 billion. They have a separate arm for venturing into emerging sports arena and is managed by finest management gurus. Where do you think the great marketing strategies would have come into IPL?? This also explain the investment from Tax-haven with proxy name.
4. Betting- Betting is one of the most successful capitalist venture run by CIA with the help of federal bank. As in luck movie our sanju baba says,” duniya ka sabse bada nasha risk hai”(the biggest addiction is risk). And Uncle Sam knows it better than him. It is even rumoured that WWE is run under careful vigil of CIA. Not even gentlemen’s game was left untouched by them. The scale of betting is unimaginable. Mumbai alone accounts for INR 200-250 crore worth of bet being placed for a single IPL match. NO wonder the matches were being fixed in IPL by the CIA to maximize their profit. And they were helped in this by their very own man.
*present lifestyle*
CIA rewards its soldiers well. LKM lives one of the most materialistic luxurious one can even think of. He drives a Mercedes, wears Armani and likes to spend New Year’s Eves at Amanpuri in Phuket, listed by the American Conde Nast Traveller magazine as one of the world’s best resorts. He has a lifestyle now that includes a private jet, a luxury yacht and a fleet of Mercedes S class and BMW cars.
No wonder, this man will be saved from the bars as CIA is using all their sources to get him back in action. See you in IPL2011 :D
p.s
1. Was KOCHI IPL floated by KGB with the help of their man Tharoor?? Kerala, a communist hotbed have strong KGB connections!! Wants more info to write on this. Please help !!
Rohit Gattani
*The American dream*
LKM, the cricket czar, was born in a wealthy and successful business family. Much before he finished school, he was keen to go to the US for higher studies. To realise his AMERICAN DREAM, he skipped his school-leaving examination in India, making him no longer eligible for admission in any of the Indian colleges. To his credit, he performed well in SAT, or the Scholastic Aptitude Test, essential for admission to American colleges.
*cocaine saga*
In 1985, while studying at Duke University in the US, he was convicted for possession of 400 gm cocaine and charged with assault and kidnapping. The Durham County court punished him for a two-year suspended prison sentence. It has been alleged that he is also involved in a court case for cocaine abuse in the UAE as recently as 2006. Possession of such a high amount of cocaine generally leads to charges of drug-trafficking in USA, a charge with which Richard Hadlee was convicted. Richard Hadlee was then inducted in CIA for monitoring illegal drug trade. A similar type of service could have been conferred on LKM. Because even after such charges, he occupied high offices in USA based multinationals. He worked in the American tobacco company Philip Morris in 1985 and cosmetic giant Estée Lauder in 1986. He was also appointed executive director of Godfrey Philips India Ltd in 1992 — India’s second-largest cigarette-manufacturer and still holds the post.
*help from CIA*
With his highly sourced contacts in CIA he started distributing ESPN as part of a joint venture floated with Walt Disney, which then owned ESPN. Later, Modi lost the distribution rights in India when Rupert Murdoch formed ESPN STAR with Walt Disney. But in a fruitful meeting with Murdoch and CIA agents , Modi got another high-profile friend — Murdoch’s son James. Modi Entertainment Network now distributes Fashion TV in the country.
* decadence of Indian Culture*
The Americans jealous of Indian Culture, always wanted to turn us into one of their kind(and are quite successful too). India after liberalization represented a huge market to them. And for winning a war its important to make an enemy think what you want them to think. Thus started the influx of western culture, starting with FTV. IPL cheer-leaders with skimpy clothes are another example of that.
*CIA- Federal Bank Associate- (Sports, Betting, Media and Entertainment )*
Federal Bank with the help of CIA runs of the most profit earning division for generating revenue—
1. Tax haven banking in small islands. It is impossible to run such small islands to handle billions of dollar without the support of Uncle Sam. Arab HNI’s still don’t put their money in such tax heavens. Switzerland still remains a preferred destination for them.
2. Media & Entertainment – This not only for generates revenue but gets the market prepared for exploitation. Media - a powerful source can make or break any decision, even a government. It is rumoured that CIA through its secret agents have a substantial stock in twitter. Iranian Government was forced to ban Twitter due to anti-government feelings and atrocities being posted on Twitter. This mobilized world action towards Iranian Government.
3. Sports- CIA have huge stakes in various sporting organization around the world. Russian Oligarchs owning big Football clubs are just pawns, the master is CIA. No wonder, they would have been attracted towards the biggest sporting activity in the second most fastest growing economy. And IPL in its third edition was worth $4.13 billion, while EPL is evaluated at $12 billion. They have a separate arm for venturing into emerging sports arena and is managed by finest management gurus. Where do you think the great marketing strategies would have come into IPL?? This also explain the investment from Tax-haven with proxy name.
4. Betting- Betting is one of the most successful capitalist venture run by CIA with the help of federal bank. As in luck movie our sanju baba says,” duniya ka sabse bada nasha risk hai”(the biggest addiction is risk). And Uncle Sam knows it better than him. It is even rumoured that WWE is run under careful vigil of CIA. Not even gentlemen’s game was left untouched by them. The scale of betting is unimaginable. Mumbai alone accounts for INR 200-250 crore worth of bet being placed for a single IPL match. NO wonder the matches were being fixed in IPL by the CIA to maximize their profit. And they were helped in this by their very own man.
*present lifestyle*
CIA rewards its soldiers well. LKM lives one of the most materialistic luxurious one can even think of. He drives a Mercedes, wears Armani and likes to spend New Year’s Eves at Amanpuri in Phuket, listed by the American Conde Nast Traveller magazine as one of the world’s best resorts. He has a lifestyle now that includes a private jet, a luxury yacht and a fleet of Mercedes S class and BMW cars.
No wonder, this man will be saved from the bars as CIA is using all their sources to get him back in action. See you in IPL2011 :D
p.s
1. Was KOCHI IPL floated by KGB with the help of their man Tharoor?? Kerala, a communist hotbed have strong KGB connections!! Wants more info to write on this. Please help !!
Rohit Gattani
What separates us from the animal world? Google provides many answers but none satisfied me. It talked about biology and genetic difference. Even 2 human have different gene structure. Chimps and humans gene-structure differs by 1.2%. I searched for more subtle differences. Then came the language. But language seemed an effect and I thought there must be a cause behind that.
And the cause is nothing but the 'trust'. When we started trusting each other, their arose a need for communication and thus the language was born. Trust is a bio-psychological process by which we tend to believe on others for our welfare. I trust my family that they will always think good for me, and thus delaying my next exchequer(for my good :( ). I trust my friends they will curse me for the bhasad I have written :D. I trusted my professors that they would make my life more miserable in years to come(and it actually happened).
But the story of trust have taken new dimensions. We trust a piece of cotton approved by our government having words, " i promise the bearer to pay the sum of xyz rupees". We trust a magnetic tape to save our skin when we go for shopping or dining next time. We also trust that if next time we default our payment , then goons will be there on the doors. The government trusts us that what ever actions they take (any action also indicates inaction!!), we won't pay heed to anything. The politicians trust us how much they have fleeced us, we will vote them again, and giving them one more opportunity to fleece us :(.!! We trust that by using that cream we will become fairer; by that medicine we/it will become longer (you can report SPAM for this); using that shampoo, we will have hair-regrowth; by drinking that, we will become handsome.Trust have given rise to miracles!! And our trust is continuously being exploited!! Lets have a MOBILE MAXX TIMEOUT from this topic now.
Rohit Gattani
p.s The ideas and views expressed by the writer are his own and not copied from anywhere, and it was written under totally normal state, without the influence of any psycho-active compound.
And the cause is nothing but the 'trust'. When we started trusting each other, their arose a need for communication and thus the language was born. Trust is a bio-psychological process by which we tend to believe on others for our welfare. I trust my family that they will always think good for me, and thus delaying my next exchequer(for my good :( ). I trust my friends they will curse me for the bhasad I have written :D. I trusted my professors that they would make my life more miserable in years to come(and it actually happened).
But the story of trust have taken new dimensions. We trust a piece of cotton approved by our government having words, " i promise the bearer to pay the sum of xyz rupees". We trust a magnetic tape to save our skin when we go for shopping or dining next time. We also trust that if next time we default our payment , then goons will be there on the doors. The government trusts us that what ever actions they take (any action also indicates inaction!!), we won't pay heed to anything. The politicians trust us how much they have fleeced us, we will vote them again, and giving them one more opportunity to fleece us :(.!! We trust that by using that cream we will become fairer; by that medicine we/it will become longer (you can report SPAM for this); using that shampoo, we will have hair-regrowth; by drinking that, we will become handsome.Trust have given rise to miracles!! And our trust is continuously being exploited!! Lets have a MOBILE MAXX TIMEOUT from this topic now.
Rohit Gattani
p.s The ideas and views expressed by the writer are his own and not copied from anywhere, and it was written under totally normal state, without the influence of any psycho-active compound.
Why Priyanka Chopra even bothers to use Pond’s Fairness Cream after being crowned as one of the most gorgeous lady in the world? Why John Abraham the heartthrob of Indian Film Industry, also a g_y icon, chooses to advertise for Garnier Activz Men- fairness cream for men. And fishes (like SS) becomes the prey.
In reality anything less than Chanel or Chantecaille will not even make it to their Vanity Van. But it is all the money game which makes this happen. Indin fairness cream industry is pegged at 800+ crores, with our good old ‘fair and lovely’ of HUL being the market leader with 63% shares. And in this race of fairness, the Indian men are not lagging behind – men’s fairness cream contributes around 29% to the total revenue. This 29% doesn’t counts people (like SR), whose ‘fair and lovely(women version)’ is kept locked in their closet and is only used when none is around. Fairness indeed does have a cost or may be they are too shy to use in front of others. And interestingly, the first fairness cream for men, ‘fair and handsome’ advertisement brought into light the plight of men secretly using women’s fairness cream.” Mard ho ke auraton wali cream kyon?”.
India, a multicultural, multireligious, multilingual, multicaste, multiethnic, etc etc etc etc is also a multicolor country. Just as shown in fairness meter of these products, the color spectrum indices of our country ranges from very dark to very fair. The western world believes that the caste system is the only thing which rots Indian society and color racism theirs. But as usual we have proved them wrong again. Even before their dark age(was it really their dark age?? I think it was their fair age as not a black soul lived on European land), we Indians were segregating people based on colors. White signified ‘good’ and black signified ‘evil’.a dn for proof you can check ancient Ayurvedic texts, which have preparations for getting fair!!
Why are we so obsessed with white? Why photo studio gives your shot an extra white touch? Why we have racist skin songs like”gori tera gaon”, “goriyan chura na mera jiyan”, etc etc?? Why Black people are teased for their color? Why our thinking is only SKIN DEEP??
p.s.
1. even white people are teased for their color now a days. (ghor kaliyug)
2.the writer doesn’t believes and supports color racism or any form of racism.
3.SS or SR could (or couldn’t) be fictional characters.
Rohit Gattani
*Omegle is a service for meeting new friends. When you use Omegle, you pick another user at random and you have a one-on-one chat with each other. Chats are completely anonymous.*
Scene 1: In a site called Omegle, a guy is chatting with a girl(supposedly; it could be a male faking a girl) for last 15 minutes. The girl asks the question,” Which country?”. The boy replies,”India”. The girl quits.
Scene 2: me(not me actually but my friend SP):hi
Stranger: hiiiiiiii….
Me: gun or doll?
Stranger: doll.
Me: wow!! Me gun..
Stranger: nice meeting you.
Me: whats the time in yr clock?
Stranger: 2.00 pm (1200 GMT)
Me: let me guess yr country?
Me: germany?
Stranger: awesome…yrs?
Me: 5.30 pm
*stranger googles and finds out it is India and the connection ends*
Scene 3: me(obviously it is SP): hi..
Stranger: hiii….
Me: asl
Stranger: 18 f england
Stranger: u?
Me: 22 m india
*connection ends8
So, what is wrong with INDIANS?
Could be many reasons………
• Firstly, we are still the ’browns’. We are still the other race. As SRK told in MNIK there are 3 events in western world- BC, AD and 9/11. After 9/11, Asians are seen in western world with contempt. Indian origin people living outside for many generations are still asked about their identity in the western world.
• Secondly, the pervert nature of Indians frequenting this site. Their intentions becomes clear after chatting for sometime. I took the pain of entering the virtual world and found that other world’s women are not comfortable with asian men; but the first reason cannot be obliterated.
• Come to scene 1: a guy faking a girl’s profile is actually from India(and no wonder my friend SP was involved in such instances and he was faking a girl’s profile). And who would like to chat with a fellow Indian; that also male. This is the third reason.
• Fourthly, Indians are emotional fools(most of them). After chatting for sometime they really get involved in the relationship(friendship or other purpose I know not). They start asking for fb and gtalk ids. Dude get a life!! People are frequenting this because they want to breathe free and enjoy the privacy. KD(one of my friend) even waited for 3 hours for an omegle friend for gtalk and she never turned up. Poor KD…
There could be various other reasons which I know not. *if u have any then please post*
p.s.
• SP and KD could (or couldn’t) be fictional characters.
• People please refrain from damaging nation’s identity and learn controlling hormone levels.
Scene 1: In a site called Omegle, a guy is chatting with a girl(supposedly; it could be a male faking a girl) for last 15 minutes. The girl asks the question,” Which country?”. The boy replies,”India”. The girl quits.
Scene 2: me(not me actually but my friend SP):hi
Stranger: hiiiiiiii….
Me: gun or doll?
Stranger: doll.
Me: wow!! Me gun..
Stranger: nice meeting you.
Me: whats the time in yr clock?
Stranger: 2.00 pm (1200 GMT)
Me: let me guess yr country?
Me: germany?
Stranger: awesome…yrs?
Me: 5.30 pm
*stranger googles and finds out it is India and the connection ends*
Scene 3: me(obviously it is SP): hi..
Stranger: hiii….
Me: asl
Stranger: 18 f england
Stranger: u?
Me: 22 m india
*connection ends8
So, what is wrong with INDIANS?
Could be many reasons………
• Firstly, we are still the ’browns’. We are still the other race. As SRK told in MNIK there are 3 events in western world- BC, AD and 9/11. After 9/11, Asians are seen in western world with contempt. Indian origin people living outside for many generations are still asked about their identity in the western world.
• Secondly, the pervert nature of Indians frequenting this site. Their intentions becomes clear after chatting for sometime. I took the pain of entering the virtual world and found that other world’s women are not comfortable with asian men; but the first reason cannot be obliterated.
• Come to scene 1: a guy faking a girl’s profile is actually from India(and no wonder my friend SP was involved in such instances and he was faking a girl’s profile). And who would like to chat with a fellow Indian; that also male. This is the third reason.
• Fourthly, Indians are emotional fools(most of them). After chatting for sometime they really get involved in the relationship(friendship or other purpose I know not). They start asking for fb and gtalk ids. Dude get a life!! People are frequenting this because they want to breathe free and enjoy the privacy. KD(one of my friend) even waited for 3 hours for an omegle friend for gtalk and she never turned up. Poor KD…
There could be various other reasons which I know not. *if u have any then please post*
p.s.
• SP and KD could (or couldn’t) be fictional characters.
• People please refrain from damaging nation’s identity and learn controlling hormone levels.
Once upon a time in a jungle, wealthiest among all, lived a tiger. The king health was waning, and the tiger started gaining power. His rise was attributed to teasing and sending away of poor animals who came from neighbouring jungles and those who did not supported the law of the powerful. The Lion never knew the tiger would become so powerful that he would undermine the Lion. The Lion himself encouraged the tiger for his smaller benefits. The tiger’s thirst for power was insatiable. His followers grew in numbers, and his policy were echoed throughout the jungle. The tiger became the real KING.
Time went by, and the tiger became weak. Other animals slowly realized his policy was not good, and on the other hand those poor animals helped the state only. The larger cause was being sacrificed for the purpose of the jungle.
The tiger had two sons. One of the son got estranged from the family an with his supporters restarted buzzing out poor animals with a new vigour. The chote tiger seemed to be the next bade tiger. Now to gain control, the bade tiger had to do something. He started driving out poor animals again. But, chote tiger garnered as much publicity as he could with that. That idea was passé.
And he came to an idea. Why not oppose the game of the people. The game of the people was very popular in the whole forest. Bade tiger issued fatwa against people of rival forest taking part in the game. There live a famous goat- the target, who was loved and admired over all the jungles, not only friendly but also rival jungles. His “may- may” was acclaimed throughout the world. The goat family had a great history, his father being a fighter against the oppressors. Bade tiger charged him with heinous crimes like anti-forest, of belonging to rival forest; while the goat only promoted peace. But the goat raised his voice and in the jungle also, he garnered support. The animal did not want another publicity gimmick by bade tiger…………
The story is still waiting for the end. But now it is our time to act. It is our time to realize whom we support. It is our time to be judicious. It is our time to decide whether we want another tiger to rise again. It is Our Time..
p.s-
• No brownie points for guessing who the characters are.
• The article was not written to offend anyone.
• Comments are welcome. Feel free to post.
• The writer is still a noob and is honing his skills.
Time went by, and the tiger became weak. Other animals slowly realized his policy was not good, and on the other hand those poor animals helped the state only. The larger cause was being sacrificed for the purpose of the jungle.
The tiger had two sons. One of the son got estranged from the family an with his supporters restarted buzzing out poor animals with a new vigour. The chote tiger seemed to be the next bade tiger. Now to gain control, the bade tiger had to do something. He started driving out poor animals again. But, chote tiger garnered as much publicity as he could with that. That idea was passé.
And he came to an idea. Why not oppose the game of the people. The game of the people was very popular in the whole forest. Bade tiger issued fatwa against people of rival forest taking part in the game. There live a famous goat- the target, who was loved and admired over all the jungles, not only friendly but also rival jungles. His “may- may” was acclaimed throughout the world. The goat family had a great history, his father being a fighter against the oppressors. Bade tiger charged him with heinous crimes like anti-forest, of belonging to rival forest; while the goat only promoted peace. But the goat raised his voice and in the jungle also, he garnered support. The animal did not want another publicity gimmick by bade tiger…………
The story is still waiting for the end. But now it is our time to act. It is our time to realize whom we support. It is our time to be judicious. It is our time to decide whether we want another tiger to rise again. It is Our Time..
p.s-
• No brownie points for guessing who the characters are.
• The article was not written to offend anyone.
• Comments are welcome. Feel free to post.
• The writer is still a noob and is honing his skills.
Hello, Helllo,Halo, Hallo, Hellllllllooo
Nothing wrong in saying a hello, right? If I say there is a m then does it rings a bell. Read forward the whole alarm will start buzzing and you won't snooze that.
To make it clear, I am not opposing 'hello' based on cultural or religious grounds but on a background which everyone denies but is raison d'etre for everything - money.
Digest there facts:
1.543 million mobile customers in India.
2.37 million wireline customers in India
3.Around 200 mn per-paise customers in India.
On an average 5 calls are made by a user, then there are 1900 mn calls made by per-minutes plan users and 1000 mn by per-pase plan users. For you to say a hello, and te other caller to revert back it takes approx 2 seconds.
Now consider this for per paise plan users-
· 1000mn calls a day
· 2000mn seconds a day
· 2000mn paise a day
· 20mn INR a day
· 7300 mn INR a year
Now for per-minute customers , speaking hello in not that injurious as they could be used to fill the pulse. Chance of a call being carry forwarded for the next pulse is 1/30.
· 1900 mn calls a day
· 63 mn calls being forwarded a day
· 31.5 mn INR lost in day (50p for each call)
· 11500 mn rupees a year
So by saying a hello, we are losing 18300mn INR. Never thought a single word could be so costly. And the most beautiful part of this is we can go without hello. I wonder why Caller Identification was made!!
P.S.
· All the relevant statistics and facts have benn taken from internet. Writer is not responsible for the authenticity of sources.
· Writer don’t give a damn, if you still don’t stop speaking hello. Its not his money you are wasting
· Writer is also slowly giving up thehabit of speaking hello. Old habits die hard.
Rohit Gattani
As february sets in, a new hysteria spreads over. I even overheard someone saying -" Hey feb has come and I am so excited". Truly its the month of raised hormone levels. Hormone intentions gets more intensified.
Everybody seems occupied except a few souls like me, who feels like they are hosting "Lonely Planet". New birds are seen chirping more and more, and seasoned ones are looking for new preys. Everyone is keen to welcome St. Valentines day, feb the 14th. I guess no saint is revered more than St. Valentine. I contemplated that feb is a vicious month as love is in the air and more people are likely to get affected by this air-borne disease.
New kids are found dating and talking more and more. No doubt, its a tiresomemonth for telecom operators. The old kids find new pranks, the lost kids getsback to the path, and lonely writes such a blog.
But newbies are the ones which get most affected. The double edged sword called love cuts their pocket as well as mind. the epigram - "love makes you blind" should have been "love makes you retarded".
Feb is called the 'month of love'. But is it really so - More number of child birth takes place in september; shouldn't december get the throne ??
p.s.-
1.The writer's observation are not fictious and he dont gives a damn if anybody
gets annoyed.
2.The writer is no anti-romanticism, thought he hangs a nazi flag in his room. That
is to display his room is no better than a Nazi concentration Camp
3. The writer is not against the month of Feb ; rather he loves it, as it only has
only 28 or 29 days. (Bania Philosophy- may be next blog)
4. Some of the facts and epigrams have appeared in writer's fb status updates
and tweets.
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