Part 1


Date- 13 September, 2010

Hi, I am Saharsh Padiya or in short AssPee. I know it is a gross combination but it is my name after all. You ‘sun of a beach’! By Jalaram Bappa’s grace I had everything – “paisa, shaurat aur izzat (money, fame and respect)”. Did you notice something amiss in the last statement. Yes, it was love and to find lady luck I wore a talisman with a SRK photo carved on it and devoutly apply ‘fair and handsome’ twice daily. But it seems not all was working for me.



It’s not everyday that one gets a seat in a bus. It’s not everyday when a HOPA (google needed for not-so-smart-a**h*****) sits beside you in a bus. It’s not everyday that your 45 min journey lasts for 3 hours. It’s not everyday you travel ticket-less in a bus. It’s not everyday that a surprise check for tickets is done. It’s not everyday you find your love in a bus. And it definitely was not every other day.

Tired and not drunk, I boarded a Volvo from Ambattur to OMR. The city if you still haven’t identified is none other than the city of my dreams -Chennai. People here are much more fashionable and open-minded. Where else on earth can you find every available colour on a single piece of cloth; shining and glittering costumes; and lungi – the epitome of fashion and openness. The music is much louder and gross(c****** c****** nokia) and full of ‘tamil teriyaad (I Don’t know Tamil)’ terms, which makes it even more attractive. It’s very difficult to differentiate between a girl and a boy because both of them have moustaches. So you don’t lose your focus unlike in other metros. And the food, yummy and delicious, the mighty and invincilble, idly, vada, dosa, sambhar, rasam, othappam,etc has no comparison. If in reality the concept of 7 life and 7 marriages existed, then I would had married south Indian food beacuse I am certain I could spend my 7 lives eating only south Indian food. I Love Chennai! I Love Gujarat, too.

Well, it doesn’t matter whether you live in Jhumri-Taliya or Trichy, if you have found the meaning of your life. Well, did someone just said the meaning of life is love.(*sigh*) My friend Maneesh always told me ‘love is contagious because it can happen at first sight’. Forgot to mention, by ‘drunk’ I meant Sprite and nothing else (Your dirty mind and its games).

The bus stopped at the next stop. I was looking at the front entry gate, and for a moment everything freezed. I could hear pianos and guitar playing out from my heart. After a very long time I had the opportunity of losing my focus in Chennai. A fair girl in red salwar suit and without mosutache boarded the bus from the stop. ‘Cherry Blossom’ was not a paradox for me anymore. A fair lady and without moustaches - a rare occurrence in Chennai. It was as rare as finding a non-asian male on a chatting site in internet. I wanted to talk with her, very very very badly. This was turning out to be lucky day for me. First of all, I got a seat in bus – a rare feat to achieve by itself. And the seat beside me was empty....

And it was indeed turning out to be a lucky day. The fairy came in and sat beside me. Was it my day?? I took the first sip of my sprite and could properly diagonize the fairy beside me, better than any X-ray vision because ‘sprite hai, clear hai’. My dirty minds and its games !!

The first shock – her phone rang and she started talking in chaste Tamil. My baba wouldn’t accept anything but a vaishanav gujju. I could convince him for anyone from north but for a large price (read dowry), but south Indian was totally unacceptable. I remember how Seemaben’s son was thrown out of the family, property and the society after he married a kerali. I lost all hope. My friend Maneesh always told me – never run after girls and buses, one goes and another comes. And he could be true. If I would have missed this bus, I would have catched another bus and have sat beside another HOPA.

I plugged in my i-pod(32 gb) gifted to me by Siddhu mama ,and occasionally peeped at her in regular intervals. After all, you don’t always get the opportunity to sit beside HOPA. Then another ring, and the lady spoke in chaste Hindi. This implies I can atleast make a try. Opportunity not always knocks at your door. My friend Maneesh also told me that if opportunity knocks at your door, then don’t be late to open the door because it could be delivered to another address if you don’t answer. The ‘postman’ fate is not very patient. It’s now or never.

I plugged off the i-pod and was wondering where to start. She pulled off a book from her bag. I could only read The Three *some* by some Dumas. Interesting, open-minded, fun-loving lady, I thought. My dirty mind and its game! I gathered some courage and no sooner was going to say ‘hi’, another ring from her phone broke my courage. But it provided me precious time to do field work. Here came my Blackberry bold and ‘the god’ google’s homepage. I entered the “three dumas” and clicked “I’m feeling lucky” because I was really feeling lucky at that time. The Wiki page of the “the Three Muskeeters” popped up. Wiki told me it was some classic of English Literature. I sipped Sprite and another idea from my friend Maneesh popped up – To impress, start liking what she likes. I straight away went to Indiatimes shopping and searched for it. Shit!! They didn’t accept my Credit Suisse card!! WTF!! I was forced to use silly Indian HDFC!! I never read any book in my lifetime other than my text books in school. You don’t need education to be rich. Ambani was not some MBA but a Gujrati. Those days I only read Economic Times and that also in Gujrati. I was wondering why ET published their Gujarati edition so late. We Gujaratis are no.1 traders, a fact accepted universally.

Meanwhile I was lost and there was so much commotion in the bus, that I was hardly able to hear anything. But some Gujarati voice was coming, a sweet Gujarati voice which I could hear! And see Jalaram Bappa’s grace, it was that lady only. I’m really feeling lucky today!

The most easiest way for a Gujarati to connect with a fellow Gujarati is Gujarati itself. Nothing pleases Gujratis more than a Gujrati itself. And I made the move and started speaking in Gujrati–

Me: Which part of Gujarat?

She: Kathiwad

Me: Kathiawad. Which village? I am from Khambat but have many relatives from Kathiawad.

She: Palonji.

Me: What are you doing here?

She: The same what you are doing here. Traveling.

Quick witted lady, I thought. But was dumb-folded and had nothing to answer. Already 15 minutes went away and I had another 30 minutes. Not a problem, if fate have decided, then we would meet again.

It was 5 minutes and not a single word was spoken between two of us and neither the bus moved. My chance of a strike was dying faster than KKR winning a match in IPL. Maybe, I could ask her number. Oh, I even don’t know her name! Shit!

Meanwhile, I was running searches on google – Gujrati girls in Chennai, Chennai Gujarati, Hot gujju girl in chennai. I heard a man from behind telling that there was chakka-jam by some party over the issue that new rupee symbol has been designed keeping in mind the hindi ‘R’. And they feel discriminated and it shouldn’t be based on devanagari script. They were burning rupee notes also. IDIOTS !!! Burning money!! But I agree with them over the issue that Rupee new symbol shouldn’t be based on Hindi ‘R’. Gujaratis are the one who know how to mint money. Even in the ‘dry’ state we made milk flow like water. We have hotels in every part of USA and Europe. We run BSE, FOREX, RESERVES. In short, we run India. So why not base it on Gujarati ‘R’; It would be the most humble appreciation which this country can offer to fellow Gujratis.



But the point was that the bus was delayed. I still stood a chance. The drunk anna, really drunk and was smelling of desi, standing beside her started looking her in an amorous way. A sip of sprite and another brilliant idea came to my mind. Why not we exchange our seats!! Me: are you comfortable in that seat? She: hmm..yes...(after a pause)..no.. Me: let us exchange the seats. That bastard is looking at you continuously. Me: this never happens in our Gujarat She: yes!! these drunk people na. Can’t even control themselves. Me: Yes. That’s why I do not touch liqour. She: You seem to be a gentleman. *happy, happy, happy* And we changed the seats and first time touched each other. And a chill ran through my spine.

Meanwhile, I was thinking where to start. Should I start with the colour colour game which I used to play with girls in college. She was wearing a red dress. Red - the colour of love!! This surely was my day !! My day !! My day!! My Day!! But I didn’t start with colour colour game as it had 0 success rate !!



Another ring!! Another doubt in my mind. Is she already committed ? This whole time I observed her texting and laughing!! Was I doomed?



People always curse tele-marketing calls. But I don’t as it is really a good time-pass. I made many friends through it as they were desperate to sell and me desperate to talk. And the good thing, you don’t have to shell out a single penny for talking. It’s better than moronic friend finders, which I tried. Even she was bit irritated with that tele-marketing call. That tele-marketing call was from some insurance company and all that i could hear was – “I am Jahanvi Patel and not Jahanvi Pathak. Please don’t disturb me again with any insurance” and the call ended.

So her name was Jahanvi Patel !! Facebook search and I found her. Not only her but spooked a lot of information about her - what she liked, disliked, books read by her, movies liked by her, her phone number, email id, bb pin, her latest status. Thats why Zuckerberg said people are fool to trust on me. But I extended my token of thanks to Zuckerberg for making this lovely piece. I can search my love through him. Zuckerberg the cupid !



But I noticed one more thing. One mutual friend...and the name read Sourav Prasad.



SOURAV PRASAD......that ch88491(t9 reference needed for not-so-smart-ch84491s) from my school. I hated him from the very first day I met him. I could vividly remember that day, the shame and pain which that incident caused me were still etched in my mind. It was standard 4, and I was feeling a bit sleepy and taking use of that , ch88491 threw water on my pants and shouted to everyone that I did ‘susu’(pee) in my pants. That was the most embarassing day I ever had in my life. The whole class was laughing and the teachers too. I had to return home with wet pants. My photo was stuck in Notice Board of School with wet paints. I hated him more than I loved anyone. I never forgot that, REVENGE was still on cards.



This guy excelled in everything- handsome looks, sporty nature and excellent in studies. He became the SP( stud paa) and I became AssPee (after the pee incident). I was always jealous of him. But at that time I was not. That ch88491 took sciecne in +2 and heard that he went to some NIIT in Trichy. I heard it was a very good college and one of the top colleges. A joke, I thought. There were already so many NIIT in Chennai then why did he chose to go there. I can even see one out of my window. I always knew he was a ch88491. Heard he was working in some software firm. Poor Bastard, I could arrange a job for him if he loses one, I thought. Haha..revenge!! I even blocked that ch88491 from my FB so that his updates and pics doesn’t remind me of him.



So her favouite movie is Kaho na pyar hai, Maine pyar kiya, Hum aapke hai kaun. And i tried telepathy to communicate with her ,”Arey kahan na pyaar hai :) :). Haan, Maine bhi tumse pyar kiya:) hum tumhare ‘ jee’ hai..suniye jee..yeh kariye jee..app sunte nahi jee...:) She gave a chuck looking at me. This telepathy thing really works !!!!



Meanwhile, I was going through her FB profile and noticed she joined a community called ” I Love SALMAN KHAN”. And what good time to love Sallu Bhai. Maybe this common love can also sow the seeds of mutual love between two of us. There this was a poster of Dabangg on a hall and I said, “This is going to be a hell of a movie.” She said yes and told me she already watched and told me the story. What a spoiler! I wanted to watch ‘munni’ but nothing comes above and before love. Maybe on our first date we will watch Dabangg. And we started talking about Bollywood. She turned out to be a bollywood buff just like me. We make a perfect match, I thought. I told him some insider’s stuff which I got from Siddhu mama. She was impressed. Task 1 completed - the girl is impressed.



And I realized it had been an hour in the bus and the bus didn’t move an inch since half an hour. We were talking like we knew each other from ages. This 7 Life and marriage concept really existed, I thought. And was is not South Indian food that could be my companion but Jahanvi Padiya (Patel) for this life and forever. I was so blessed.



One and a half hours in the bus with her now. Half of the bus was empty now. Bus was stranded at the same position. And I hoped that it remained there forever!! I got to knew that she also did her engineering from NITT, and not NIIT. NITT mind you is a very respected institute in India, one of the finest engineering colleges. And I also got to knew that ch88491 was also in that college. He didn’t change even after going to college also and same as before excelled in everything he did whether it was sports, Studies or Job. He landed in some highest paying job in some ‘cracle’ or some firm. But he was still an employee and I was at the stage of employer and would have soon reached a stage where I would have employed people like him. Sala Ch88491.



Meanwhile I forgot to get tickets. And this ticket- inspector came he started shouting after realizing that I was without a ticket. He blabbered, ”You North Indians. You yourselves are so much uncultured and you are trying to spoil us also. Look what have you made of Common Wealth Games. When will you people start behaving like gentlemen. Bloody!! Oh, this was usual in Chennai. This meant he would take 2 green gandhi instead of 1. These government people after all, irrespective of South or North, are the most saleable items you can ever see. I was going to take out my wallet, when Jahanvi spoke very sweetly in tamil , “ sir he is my friend and have just come now. I too haven’t taken ticket and was going to take one. “

The magic these fair ladies have on males and he left saying nothing. I was wondering how fairy-tale like my world will become after marrying such a fair lady.



Well, we started jelling together. Most of her likes became my likes also and her dislikes my dislikes. We made a good couple, I thought. We talked about Gujarat, our life, my busniess, her job, siddhu mama, her interests, my interests, etc etc etc. We promised to add each other in FB. Meanwhile an old lady came and stood beside me. It was about time for me to deboard the bus. I offered my seat to her. Jahanvi gave me a certain look and it looked that she wanted to tell something to me before I would have left the bus. It was like she was trying to tell me that she loved me too. Anyways I will definitely added her on FB.

GPRS stuff reallly works cool! I added her on FB and she instantaneously accepted the friend request. Maybe our relation would continue after that….coffees,dates, proposal and then marriage in Gujarat. It was so simple. The 4 steps of success...



It was the end of the journey. 3 hours passed in a wink. I bid adieu to Jahanvi and deboarded the bus. Something told me to stop. Someting told me to tell her that I love her. I went to FB mobile, found her no and text her, “ In a study by WHO it was concluded that by the end of 2010, 60 % of the world's heart patients would be in India and it will hit more young people. So don’t reject me as it and increase the count....It would be a disservice to the nation :P PS - i <3 u ..yours and yours only, saharsh padiya.. And after texting, I looked at the bus. It was still standing at the red light. I thanked chennai traffic for that.. I remembered Manish’s saying,” never run behind a girl and a bus.” F*** him and his thoughts, I thought. And the next moment, I was running behind that bus and that girl. I will give him that dumas book though which I ordered ! I am a gujju and to had do it now or it would be never. We don’t wait for oppurtunities, we create it.



I boarded the bus and she didn’t notice me as I boarded from behind and stood at back waiting for her reply. Could it be the day, I thought and sipped Sprite.





End of part 1 ...



Coming Soon.... Part 2



PS -

1. all the crap written here are figments of my imagination !!

2. there won't be any sex here or in any further parts...i know sex sells, as suggested by some..but it doesn't sells for free!!

3. to SP - all 3!!



Rohit Gattani